FAST FOOD

The concept of fast food is another thing of the past us older folks remember... Fast food now is neither fast nor food. Let's us all ban together and tell the corporate honchos that we already know the food is bad, we just want what we ordered and we want it fast. Burger King claims go there and have it your way, they just dont add the fact you get it your way, you just wont get it your way fast...And I am not about to be starting no racial slur, I love latinos, hispanics, mexicans, whatever is the politically correct term but, if you cant understand the words that are coming out of my mouth, please dont work the drive thru... we can barely hear over that speaker as it is, then we got to hear a language we cant understand... come on now, if I was in church, somebody would say preach it...And why does our food never look like the value meal on the picture at the drive thru and then again look at those damn pictures... Who the hell eats a six pound burger unless you are bulimic or on steriods. And then think about the steriods they are putting in the meat we are eating... They breed, raise, kill, wrap and are at the meat counter in 8 days. No wonder Americans are obese. Look, I am not saying I dont eat fast food, but remember the disclaimer use to be on cigarettes "Smoking these can possibly cause cancer" now that sucker says "Keep puffing bitches, I am going to kill you" Maybe they should put on the wrapper of a Big Mac, Dear Consumer, if you eat enough of these, your heart will possibly expode" But then again dont you hate that dumbass who drops his coffee and sues somebody... that makes me so mad, I mean are they so lazy, they couldnt walk into the dang place and move the yellow mop sign, fake a fall, break an arm and earn that lawsuit money? Makes me mad. I tell you what else makes me crazy, I place my order at the cheap recorder, I pay at the first window, I pick up my food at the 2nd window and drive home, only to find the wrong stuff in my bag, no matter how many times I say grilled chicken, the give me fried... it's like they want me to clog an artery. I mean they have two windows, one just to pay and one just to pick up and they still cant get my shit right. My message to the Top Chain Fast Food Places is this: WE KNOW WE ARE EATING CRAP, JUST GIVE IT TO US CORRECTLY, THE FIRST TIME, AND PLEASE DO SO FAST. We have places to go, we are tired, we dont feel like cooking dinner for the family, just give me my bucket of chicken (extra crispy) and my biscuits and let me get home by 6;15. My message to my fellow americans get your munch on and dont think about what you might be eating... Note to self: learn to cook

OPEN LETTER TO GEORGE CLOONEY

Dear George, (nah)
Dearest George, (uh-uh)
Darling George, (getting close)

My Dearest Darling George, (yep that covers it)
I have been pondering our predicament for the past few days. I have finally realized the reason none of my prior relationships did not work out was because, well, that just were not you. And when I look at the countless beautiful women you run through, I can only assume that means you are indeed waiting on me. They, of course could not satisfy your wit, intellect and of course your (what I hope) sexual prowess. I want you to know I will stick with you till Ocean's 28, and I will wait for you at your villa at Lake Como in Italy. Yes, I would be willing to wait for you day and night in the Villa by the sea. I might get lonely from time to time but I think I could suffer through waiting for you in the Villa. When you crash your motorcycle, I will be the one to take care of you ( and not the way Kathy Bates took care of James Caan in Misery). I will be there on Oscar Night when you win 3 golden statues, best actor, best director and best picture of the year... You want to go to Darfur, color me there. I am all about humanatarian work, I might not be able to spell it but I will sure do it if that would make you happy. But I have one request, it is a small one but a very important one.... If you want to be like Brad and Angie and have a half a dozen kids, we gonna need at least two or three nannies. So let's call our lawyers, sign our prenup and start the rest of our lives together.... or at least a good 45 minutes to an hour...
Note to Self: If they are not George Clooney...why bother?

What Makes People Do... anything

I have recently been trying to reflect on myself, on my surroundings, on the people I know. I wonder why I do what I do and I wonder what makes people do the things they do. I mean, what motivates someone like Nelson Mandela to give up his freedom for nearly 30 years because he believes in something greater than himself. And then I think what makes someone like Adolf Hitler murder six million people and then I wonder about the people who didn't participate in his plan but just sat back and watched. Every now and then we all read or hear about a story in which some average Joe becomes a Hero and saves someone from a flooding river, or rescues a baby from a well or pulls someone from a burning car. I'd like to think I could do that, I dont know, I have never cast myself as the hero in any of my little dramas. I wonder why people do the things they do. What motivates one person to do and be good and another to wreak havoc and spread evil anywhere they can? What makes men lie and women cheat? What makes some people strive to earn millions and others to live off of handouts? Is there a crossroads in everyone's life where they decide to be good or bad, when they choose to do right or wrong? When they decide to be a part of the problem or part of the solution? Or is it a daily dose or right and wrong, daily choices to give or take, to help or to hinder? Some days I choose the right and sometimes I am bogged down into the badlands. I think I need to become more observant in my life and the things I do and the choices I make. This is a difficult task because everyday I am presented a new opportunity to do "the right thing" or just be a total turd. I probably will never be anyone's hero but my own. That is a nice thought. Rescue myself. Like it, think I will try it. Note to Self: Pull yourself out of your own flooded river, drag your ass out of your own burning car and stay the hell away from wells... you are on town water anyway.

Golly, Gee Whiz

I am longing for a simpler time. When people respected their elders, when Television actually had a "Family Hour", When mothers stayed home and baked and fathers took care of their children. I am tired of what has become accepted vocabulary... We have turned into an abrasive, abusive society who is too frequently using the F-word. (I include myself in this list) I want to hear people say things like they used to. Golly, Gee, Whiz, Wowee, Whoopsie Daisy, Dag nab it, Doggone it... I want to see Ladies wear white gloves again and men wear hats that do not have a bill in the front and a snap in the back. I want to go back before Woodstock, Free love and the brown acid...But once innocence is lost, there is never getting it back. The World's eyes have been open and the people have been exposed to violence on TV, video games and even sadder, today's schools are a place where children bring guns instead of bookbags. What happened? Where did we go? It is like the Lost Colony... Humanity has just about disappeared and no one knows what happened or where it went. Good Manners are a thing of the past... Why bother with Thank yous and Please? Today is a sad retrospective and a withering rant for days gone by. Note to Self: Cheer up, Something good will happen soon

Friends...

Recently while playing on facebook, I looked down and realized I had 126 friends... I dont even think I really know 126 people, let alone be friends with them. I see some people have 878 friends... I bet they couldnt borrow five bucks off of half of them. What is a friend. Remember the old adage: to have a friend, you must be a friend. Well my friendship well only draws so deep. I know people I am friendly with. I know people I am not so friendly with. I have met some strangers and then again, I have just met strange people. Friend, that word, is it a noun? a verb? an adjective? Friend. I think have 3 friends. They know almost everything about me and still decide to call me friend. I think I am very fortunate to have these 3 friends. And I hope they feel the same way about me because I would hate to start interviewing for a new friend at this period in my life. And yes, making a new friend is like a job interview. You take in account the person's character, countenance and capabilities and see if they mesh with your own. A friend is someone who shares your secrets and laughs at your stories and sits with you in your sorrrows. A friend is someone who wont sleep with your husband, and wont cheat you out of your half of the lottery winnings. Even when you are wrong, a friend will say you are right. A friend answers your call at 2am because they know you must be in trouble or in pain and they know you need them. A friend helps you move in, out or over. A friend in need is a pain in the ass but you still help them because they are your friend---indeed.
Note to Self: Hey, self, how about being friends with yourself, like yourself, protect yourself, trust yourself, be kind to yourself. Be your own role model and your own best friend.

Man, I miss cable TV

It is a good thing that the war in Iraq is there. I mean in Iraq. Cuz, a war at home would mean: no electricity, no running water, but even worse, there would be no Cable TV. Americans would surrender then and there if you took away their cable. The women couldnt live without Oxygen, the men couldnt live without Spike, The intelluctual couldnt be intellected without History and Discovery. In apocalyptic times, the good ole' industrious American will be disarmed without their HBO, Cinemax, and Showtime. I know, friends, for I am living without cable... and it sucks...I mean cold and lonely nights suck but they suck like a hoover with no cable. Being dateless ( that means without dates) blows but being dateless with no cable blows chunks. Being broke is a bitch but being broke with no cable is a bitch on steroids. Get my point? I want, need to be entertained by a little 24-35 inch screen that is full of trash and trivial tripe. I WANT MY MTV... and I dont even like music videos.... I need a hit of Flavor Flav.... and Cops is calling my name.. ( I dont watch that crap, really, well not all of it.) I am dying to hear Heidi say... You're Out... So for all my fellow Americans, while the Iranians are building up their Nuclear Arms and The Taliban is hanging out in caves with Osama getting ready for the big meltdown and the rest of the crazy muslims are bent over and praying towards Mecca six times a day, we, are sitting in front of the idiot box praying to The television God... Oprah.
Note to self: Self, you know you can live without cable, yes you can, no i cant, yes you can, no I cant...yes you can...Oh, how we miss Johnny Carson.

Dear Hollywood,

Recently I have moved to a new place and since heat is a luxury in this economic crisis, there sure as heck aint no cable hooked up yet. So blockbuster is for rich people and netflix is for people smart enough to sign up.... I am neither so I have been forced to watch pirated movies. It's not so bad, other than the occasional cough or laughter from the person who has snuck a camera in the Theatre and sometimes they have been ripped from the computer, since I dont know how to netflix, I sure dont know how to download a movie from the internet..Naw, I just gotta a friend who has gotta friend who can get these movies... so color me there. But while your movie rental is free, selection sometimes can be less than desired. For instance this week must have been disaster week. I saw Doomsday and 2012. I have a love/relationship with disaster movies. On the one hand, I love to watch them for their special effects and their confusing stories, but I would like to take this time and direct the rest of this rant to the blue suits and writers of Hollywood, so fellas take note.
1) why is it the only time Hollywood wants to talk about God, it is only in an apocalytic movie where the world has come to an end... what does Hollywood do? Blame God.
2) Stick with climate destruction, ozones evaportating, Meteorites, Earth's Core is breaking down, whatevah.. please leave the virus movies alone, nobody wants to see that... Virus movies are just that... sickening...
3) Dear friends back me up with this: We Dont want a Love Story in a destruction movie... Yes, we need a hero and maybe even a heroine but do people really take time to make love with the world is going to blow up in 5.2 minutes, I mean what can you really do... the only kissing you will be doing is your ass goodbye.
4)Ok, you cannot have motorcycles, waverunners, (think Waterworld) and cars when the "survivors" have been surviving the "aftermath" of whatever destructive thing that happend for over 60 years.... I mean where do they find the gas?
5) and speaking of survivors, why do most of them always look like punk rockers from the 80's, I mean there is no food and water, yet, there is plenty of makeup and lots of dye to color their hair orange.
6) Why does Hollywood only let A black man be President in a movie when the world is coming to an end.... Morgan Freeman/Danny Glover would probably make a good President in lighthearted romantic romp but nooooo, only Michael Douglas and Kevin Kline can play presidents in those kind of movies.. We only want to cast a black president when they show the Statue of Liberty falling into the ocean.
7) And finally, we own know about and have seen the dreaded timeline, you know what I mean, there is 3 month, 3 weeks and 3 days and then we see the clock says: 2 minutes to countdown and the movie lasts another 2 hours. No, this is not acceptable. I cant get from the beach to Beaufort in 10 minutes, yet in the disaster movie, there is always some guy who can get across continents faster than I can get around town. So, set the countdown clock and then live by it, dang it.

Note to Self: Watch a comedy or read book....